Podcast - Episode 3 - Created for Work

The Problem

I have some dear friends who have been married only a few years and are now separated, with no intention of continuing to work on their marriage. It makes me very sad because they are both wonderful people. I do not know the specifics of what led to the separation, but it is likely connected to something common in all relationships: the difficulty of accepting personal responsibility for our part in the conflict.

Many marriages end in divorce because we are unwilling to acknowledge our flaws or make an effort to change ourselves. As a result, conflict continues unresolved. Unfortunately, this situation is not uncommon. Around 40–50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

Even among Christians, the statistics are not significantly different. Many people either ignore or are unaware of the fact that marriage was instituted and designed by God (Genesis 2:18–25). Part of God’s purpose for marriage is to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:31–32). The intimacy and commitment of marriage is like no other relationship and thus mirrors the relationship of Jesus to His people.

When I practiced psychology, I counseled many couples struggling in their marriages, as well as individuals who were unhappy with their spouse. When I asked what brought them to counseling, no one ever said, “It’s me. I do ______, and it is causing problems in our marriage.” Instead, the answer was always, “He (or she) does ________, and it is causing problems.”

Of course, this problem of refusing to accept responsibility is not limited to marriage. It affects many of our relationships.

Defensiveness is Natural

It is very easy to become defensive when someone points out our faults. Our immediate response is often to make excuses, justify our behavior, or become angry. Yet this defensive reaction harms both us and our relationships, and it does not please God.

God wants us to look honestly at ourselves. Psalm 51:6 states, “Surely you desire truth in the innermost being; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.”

As long as we remain defensive and unwilling to acknowledge our sinful contribution to marital problems, we will make little progress in resolving conflict. Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

In many cases, refusing to acknowledge our wrongs is part of what caused the marital problems in the first place. Our spouse will not feel heard, and they may not be motivated to do the hard work necessary to repair the relationship if we refuse to confess our own part in the conflict. James 5:16 reminds us, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

This verse also highlights the importance of praying for our spouse—or anyone with whom we are in conflict. It is difficult to consistently pray for someone while continuing to hold bitterness toward them.

Honest and Helpful Communication

The Bible repeatedly emphasizes the importance of communication. Especially in our closest relationships, the way we speak to one another truly matters.

We should ask God to help us speak what is true, loving, and helpful when communicating with our spouse. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

This verse is worth memorizing so that we can recall it when conversations begin moving in a harmful direction. It reminds us to ask God to help us speak words that are beneficial rather than destructive.

Other verses that are especially helpful when marital conversations begin escalating include:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” — Proverbs 15:1

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” — James 1:19

“He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.” — Proverbs 18:13

Confession and Sanctification

I have often heard people say that marriage is a great sanctifier because our spouse knows us better than anyone else. A spouse can often see our faults more clearly than others can. Because of this, we should ask God to soften our hearts so we can truly hear what our spouse is saying and allow God to change us to become more like Him.

One reason we are so reluctant to admit our flaws is that we feel threatened by doing so. But for those who have placed their faith in Christ, our worth does not come from being perfect or faultless.

First John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

Because of Christ’s perfect life and sacrificial death on our behalf, we can honestly acknowledge our sins without being crushed by guilt or shame.

Acceptance and Thankfulness

In my article “Radical Acceptance,” I discuss how acknowledging reality while also accepting that a problem exists can greatly reduce stress. Radical acceptance does not mean approving of a problem or pretending it is good. Rather, it means recognizing reality honestly so that we can move forward wisely.

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Focusing on gratitude is also extremely important. Our natural tendency is to focus on our spouse’s faults. But if we acknowledge those faults while also intentionally remembering our spouse’s strengths, we are less likely to become overwhelmed and hopeless.

We should not deny our spouse’s weaknesses. Instead, we should honestly acknowledge them, accept that they exist, and then focus on the qualities we are thankful for. After all, we chose to marry them because we saw good in them.

This does not mean we are content with unhealthy behavior remaining unchanged. Rather, it helps us persevere patiently while working toward growth and healing in the marriage.

There is Hope

Another important thing to remember is that the traits in our spouse that now irritate us may be the very qualities that originally attracted us to them.

For example, a very organized person may marry someone spontaneous and adventurous. Early in the relationship, the spontaneity feels exciting and refreshing. Later, however, that same spontaneity may create frustration as responsibilities increase. Remembering that this quality was once attractive can help restore patience and appreciation.

Likewise, the spontaneous spouse may have originally appreciated the organized spouse’s stability and responsibility. Yet later, that same trait may seem restrictive or overly serious. Again, remembering what first drew us to our spouse can help us respond with greater grace.

It is also important to remember that we do not have to repair our marriages alone. Wise help from a trusted friend, an older couple, a pastor, or a counselor can be invaluable in honestly addressing marital conflict.

I once heard a statistic stating that many couples who remain committed through a difficult season of marriage find that, after several years, they come through the hardship with renewed appreciation and enjoyment of one another. Considering the emotional, relational, and practical difficulties involved in divorce, persevering through a hard season may be far more worthwhile than we initially realize—especially if both spouses are actively working to strengthen the marriage rather than allowing it to deteriorate.

Conclusion

Honestly acknowledging and addressing the challenges in our marriage can lead not only to a healthier relationship, but also to significant personal growth. Even more importantly, marriage can become a relationship that honors God and reflects to the world the loving and faithful relationship between Christ and the church.

As Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31–32:

“‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

And as Jesus said in John 13:35:

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.