Podcast - Episode 8 - Understanding God's Anger

 Family members and friends of someone struggling with addiction have often been lied to, manipulated, stolen from, tricked, and verbally abused. Some have even been physically assaulted, sexually abused, made to feel foolish, or forced to spend considerable time and money rescuing their loved one from difficult situations.

Your anger and frustration are understandable. No one should have to endure these experiences.

I do not understand how people can go through all of the trials of life without Jesus. Life is hard! And it’s even harder when you love someone with an addiction. Facing the trials brought on by a loved one struggling with addiction truly requires turning to God for His strength. Only the Lord can truly sustain and comfort us as we go through this trial. 

An addicted loved one may wrong us repeatedly, making us want to give up hope. Yet we must remember that no matter how deeply we have been hurt, God understands our pain. We have sinned against Him far more than our loved one has sinned against us, yet He has never given up on us. 

God loves us with a perfect and unfailing love despite knowing every one of our faults. Every sin we commit is against a perfectly holy and righteous God. When our loved one sins against us, however painful it may be, we cannot claim to be without sin ourselves or to have never contributed to relational problems. 

Helping someone stuck in addiction is hard and often leads us to behave in ways that are unhelpful. We aren’t born knowing what is helpful in dealing with addiction. We must get support and guidance. 

Galatians 6:1 states 

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” 

Prayer should precede every interaction with someone struggling with addiction. At the same time, we also need wisdom gained through research, biblical counsel, and the experience of others if we are to respond in ways that truly help rather than harm. 

At the same time, however, we must not blame ourselves for the addict’s behavior. It is helpful to remember the following 5 C’s which are often shared with the family members of addicts:

You didn’t cause it.

You can’t control it.

You can’t change it. 

You can’t cure it.

But you can contribute to your loved one’s recovery.

We can ask God to give us the strength to keep going and to keep loving our loved one “one day at a time” as Alcoholics Anonymous tells us. And we can also ask God to help us see when we are being lied to and manipulated and when it is better to keep some distance.

Getting support

Loving an addict can be a very lonely experience. You may feel that you can’t tell anyone what you are going through because you feel that addiction is shameful. Or you don’t want to speak badly about your loved one or are afraid of ruining their reputation with those in your extended family or community. 

It may also happen that when we do tell someone who has not had a loved one with addiction what we are experiencing they may not be very supportive or helpful. They may be so shocked by what you share that they simply don't know how to respond. Some may even, intentionally or unintentionally, imply that you are somehow responsible for your loved one's addiction. 

Having someone to talk to who can relate to what you are going through is one of the many reasons why family therapy groups are helpful. Many treatment centers offer online family support groups. You can also find free in-person or virtual meetings through Al-Anon. 

In family groups participants can share their experiences with others in similar situations and realize that the awful things they are experiencing are common among those with a loved one stuck in addiction. This can be a very helpful reality check. 

Families may have a hard time learning how to detect lies or relapses in their loved one. Learning to understand the addict is a process and a skill that often requires professional help.

This is another benefit of group therapy for families. It is hard to see clearly when our loved one is manipulating us but is much easier to see clearly when another group member is being manipulated or lied to. Seeing this in other people’s relationships is very helpful for learning to detect it when it occurs in our own relationship.

Healthy Limits on Our Support

The ways in which our loved one treats us are completely mind boggling so it makes sense that we get tricked by their lies and manipulation. We can’t conceive of saying or doing those same things to someone we love so we can't imagine that our loved one would do them to us. 

Coping day in and day out with all of the chaos of a loved one with an addiction is hard on the family and friends of the drug user. Eventually we will get burned out. Being lied to, tricked and manipulated over and over again damages relationships in ways that may not recover. 

It is reasonable to expect that the patience and love of family and friends is not bottomless. Even relying on God to give us strength to keep supporting our loved one does not mean that our compassion and patience will never run out. No one other than God has supernatural patience and love - especially when being hurt, deceived, and manipulated continually. 

Pulling Away May be Just What is Needed

You may come to the point where you need to cut off the relationship for a time. Those who have been repeatedly hurt may decide they need to protect themselves from further hurt, lies, abuse, and manipulation - at least for a time.

It may seem counterintuitive but, when family and friends pull away it may actually be beneficial for the addict - painful, but beneficial. As long as people continue rescuing them from the consequences of their choices, they may never feel an urgency to confront their addiction. 

Knowing that a parent or friend will pay for a lawyer for you or will allow you to abuse them verbally or will cover for you financially, or take you to appointments, or buy you food or other necessities makes it unlikely that the person with the substance use disorder will take their problem seriously. Instead they will take advantage of the ways their family and friends cover for them and get them out of the messes they make for themselves.

It is so hard for friends and family to watch the problems the addict gets in and not help or rescue them. Yet not helping may be exactly what the addict needs. They must face the consequences of their poor behavior in order to be motivated to change.

Proverbs 24:16 contrasts the sinner's total, unrecoverable collapse with the righteous man's ability to recover from a mistake. It states 

"For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again, but the wicked shall fall by calamity." (Proverbs 24:16) 

We may need to let our loved one “fall seven times” to show them the natural consequences of their behavior.

Allowing the drug user to experience the natural consequences of their drug abuse is often the only thing that will wake them up to the destructiveness of their behavior. It is also one of the hardest things for friends and family to do. 

We cannot stand to see our loved one facing arrest, homelessness, lack of food or a job, or other terrible circumstances. Yet we must remind ourselves that all of these problems are self-inflicted by the drug user. It may be just these circumstances that will force the addict to get better.

We must remind ourselves that it is not our job to protect our loved one and it is not our fault when they make the same bad choices over and over again. The book of Proverbs tells us "His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, and he is caught in the cords of his sin." (Proverbs 5:22)

Also be prepared for the guilt and manipulation to increase when you try to change your pattern of rescuing your loved one from their own bad decisions. They will be mad and try to blame you for their problems. But we must remember that a man's ultimate downfall is caused by his own repeated, unrepentant actions.

Honesty is Essential in Recovering from Addiction

Honesty is essential to effectively treat addiction. Sadly, lying is the character trait that tends to be most associated with drug use. 

In fact many drug users have lied for most of their lives - perhaps even before they started using drugs - in order to cover up their actions or get out of trouble, or manipulate others into believing or helping them. They often lie about things that don't even directly relate to their drug use. Over time, lying can become such an ingrained habit that it happens almost automatically, even when there appears to be no obvious benefit. 

For example, the substance abuser may tell a lie to make a situation seem worse than it is to elicit pity and compassion, to cause worry and guilt, or to get themselves out of an obligation or bad situation. On the other hand, they may make a situation sound better than it is to cover up how badly things are going in order to hide the fact that they are using drugs again or in some other kind of trouble.

Proverbs 28:13-14 states 

"People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy. Blessed are those who fear to do wrong, but the stubborn are headed for serious trouble." (New Living Translation)

Learning from Their Fall

I know someone who ended up in jail due to his serious drug use and if it weren’t for this awful experience he admits that he would never have faced his drug use directly. He and his family have made telling his story to as many people as possible their mission. 

Like other families his parents rescued him from his falls. They then began attending a family group and learned that rescuing their son was enabling their son so they changed how they interacted with him. They still loved him and told him so but they no longer rescued him out of the messes he was making. Eventually, this meant allowing him to face arrest and imprisonment rather than rescuing him from the consequences of his choices.  

They want other families and friends to know that backing off from rescuing the addict and standing firm against the lies and manipulation are necessary for the substance user to face his or her need to change. This family reiterates and acknowledges that it is so hard - perhaps the hardest thing you will ever do. But pulling back and allowing the natural consequences of the addict’s behaviors to occur and learning how to not fall for the addict’s lies and manipulation are essential for their recovery.

This family has relied on their faith in God to get them through the terrible experience of the son’s addiction. And they have come out on the other side stronger. They want other families and friends to know that leaning on God was the only thing that got them through the horror.

In fact their son and others who have survived substance abuse have created a podcast called  Ask the Addict  on YouTube that can help to reiterate the points I am making in this article.

Seeking out support as you face this trial is essential. If you do not have access to a family group led by someone from your loved one’s treatment center, Al-Anon or Alcoholics Anonymous is a safe place for family and friends to go to learn how to not be manipulated into rescuing one’s loved one. You can find both in person and virtual groups by going to al-anon.org.

Isaiah 41:10 reminds us that God never abandons His children in the midst of life's trials:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 

Whether you are grieving over a son, daughter, spouse, sibling, or friend trapped in addiction, God promises to strengthen you, help you, and uphold you. That promise is worth clinging to every day. 

The heavens declare the glory of God;
   the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
   night after night they reveal knowledge.